like the black hole-bound galactic tempest sweeping across eons of empty space receding through time, atavism that I am. I am that. I am not not that, that that I am; not that I am not-not. I am-am. I am seven billion billion billion empty atoms bleeding through a fucking pinhole, the percolate ocean seeping, current-swept cephalopod suppurating pus, darkness disembogued like ejaculate in water, wash of wavering welkin dust in light in color in sound in incalculable infinity. I am everything. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Eve, writhing.
I am time mE i aM iT
time tessellates threescore, temporal tides touching, a tryst I witness, wreathed in sound. What will betide? Tumbling untethered, thoughts tattered, torn tittle.
F o l
, g n i
Fermenting fractal shifting shift shit, oh shit oh god oh Jesus fuck the gobbing geometric gyre groping, giants gangbang glad for gore a game going gonzo go GO nonono
time is gone I am gone i.e. go ego-free we go, no know we nowhere why? Know now. Without form, impassive.
in lambent, lonely emptiness. Waves of nothing.
n o t h i n g
Not nothing. A river. Waves. Tide. Sound. All around me.
Systematic entropy. Echoes. Everything echoes. Everything. Echoes. Everything. Echoes. Everything echoesechoesechoeseverythingeverythingechoeseverythingechoeseverythingechoeseverythingechoeseverythingechoeseverythingechoeseverything
I hear everythingiheareverythingeyeyearaverythinkihurrynothinghereivory
Again and again and again, electronic ether innerving my exhausted eardrums, exciting exaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhfffuuuuuuuuuuuck
roiling rhythmic rape that HURTS harmonic hatefuck hollowing have I heard my last?
Regressing. Redshift. Regurgitating radial roundelays, ruminant RAPE resonances descend bite ANH ANH ANH gnawing feeding on every last molecular iota convalescing, disassemble, reassemble, deteriorate, design, rebuild, decay, dissolve. Dee’s table eyes. Distally destructed.
I am nothing, deconstructed by Sound itself. Almighty the rhythm, the shaking
The floor opens. Darkness shines, swallows the last pinhead of light gravitationally. Kaleidoscoping buttresses of noise evict my consciousness the way an airstrike evicts a family from a thatched hut. I flee from myself, rapacious for freedom from sound good FUCK
Returns to form. Goes again. STOP.
Spinning. My body takes the shape of the sound, a wriggling, flaccid thing. Floating, libidinous volleys of noise, exeunt! The universe escorts me politely off the stage of existence, dizzy, dysphemic. I do not belong. “I” is a dirty word.
I don’t even NEED to breathe
holyfuck I see it. Death is just a misunderstanding with Time. I understand.
I’m standing on it. A bridge. The bridge, as it were. As it is.
I’m standing on a bridge is a bridge existing below me?
I am only eight years old. Eight eighty eight hundred yearsssssssss
White mist rain smothering my neonate skin, rubbing raw. Exposed, I press forward. Into the fog. White on white clouds, corded clamshell ruffle clouds, warm as vaporized sweat against my neck and did I just hear
No. Couldn’t be.
I heard I know I heard
the birth of a universe must be sound incarnate.
Is that what I heard?
The sound of Existence.
Capital “E.” The voice of
issssssss s s s t i l l
I let itsss
The tunnel-bridge shifts, is shifting, is moving like a creature through water swaying, almost—more like—breathing. Fuck that is sickening. What is this thing? Where is it taking me?
My heart is out of rhythm. I feel like throwing up. Feel my heart every third beat, throwing itself against the wall behind my sternum.
My stomach turns. Throw up. I want to. Just thinking about it makes me gag. Ugh.
fucking everywhere. Covered. Shirt, legs, arms, finger sticky wet warm marshmallow goo warm and stringy something solihhhhhh
ohhh god ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
hot hot hot gag fuck. It’s already cooling against my clothes. Stale. That acid smell. Cold. That was fast. What happened? When did I eat last?
Glue between my fingers. Spread them out. Acid glue, little specks of brown phlegm, snot and food drying on my palm. Feel it dangling from my nose. Wet on my leg. God, that mephitic fucking smell I’m standing in
a b r i d g e
I was standing on above a river.
not a bridge
not a river
I’m surrounded by them—both of them—on it and under it and over it. All at once. Above me is an ocean of white. To my side, both sides. Front and back. Above and below. White fog whorls and reaches with skeletal tendrils like the rangy fingers of some osseous phantom, stretching at me, begging come closerrrrr then dissipating. But there’s something else. It’s hard to say.
An emptiness at my periphery. Darkness skirting the edges of my vision. Like—
if I look over
but there is just more ashy snowy static, a river, for lack of a better word. The bridge-tunnel swims around to receive my steps whichever way I turn. I can’t look at this whole shifting mess. It’s making me hrrnnnnnn fuck
What is this?
The mist dances and flurries, not like water. Niveous. Like snow. Static blazing, like tuning to a dead frequency. The bridge moves through it; a tunnel of it—static? Or is it ash?—and I am surrounded by the tunnel-bridge, so I guess this is my ride for the foreseeable. I’m in a whale made of pure noise.
Assess. Stay calm. Get your bearings.
See: Static. Tunnel. See §: (aforementioned) Whale, Noise, Swallow.
Taste: My own gag.
Smell: Same. Also, something more rancid, perhaps. If I am being eaten, and it stands to reason that indeed I am, then surely whatever this thing had before me will be digested in here.
Scream as loud as I
I am deaf.
I. Am. DEAF. Either this place is silent like the chamber or I am deaf. From the noise of creation, most likely. Exiting, transitioning, existing. That horrible adenoidal screeching. The closest thing I can call it. I remember
Crawl. Get away. Crawl stay on your belly stay low stayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuck
shaking. Earthquake. The earth broke apart, swallowed me up. Resolve to lay supine covering my ears on a bed of not-snow, not-ash, devoid of being, consumed by sound?
A flashback: popping. Something—inside. A sickening crunch. Convolved spiriferously, bones crunching under the weight of the wave. To the point that at one notable moment (I cannot actually believe I remember it? Although I feel like I do. Am I fabricating this now? Is my mind compensating for lost time?) I lost control and gave in and
I existed as a wave. It took me and I became a literal, real, wave. I became sound.
Rolling upon myself. ouroboros
Then: pain. Mordant, awful agony. Surfeit and rote. Unspectacular. Just. Fucking.
As I’ve never before experienced it.
Realization: It’s a war, and I’ve been caught in the middle. No-man’s land. This is it. Bombs on either side, a vehement hailstorm of decibels, playing for keeps (this time).
Oh, yes. The war of AM; of Being. Contrasting ideologies between the sides. “IS” and “IS NOT.” They both want the other to be false. Subatomic ionization for control of what?
What the fuck do I matter, anyway?
I want to scream it. Scream into the belly of this beast. But I cannot make a sound over the forever G R I N D I N G against forever endless erosionless friction. A pulse. Seething, deafening. Breaking me down. I’ll be digested soon enough.
Consciousness is a pulse, one of many, lost in the main. The open ocean.
That is, generically speaking: a wave is a living thing. i.e. “Signs (sines) of life.” It all makes sense. I know what the cicadas were saying.
My chest feels odd. Something off in my lung. Maybe the lung itself is off track. A wet sensation; the way fog is wet. Pressure. Soreness in my ribs. I feel…
P u l l e d .
My skin shakes against the bone, rubber limbs quivering like tuning forks rapped against the stone jaw of God and stuffed inside a wet meatsack.
Break my neck to look at my watch. Correction: watches. I’m wearing three.
Neon green seaweed lines dance across the void, vibrating softly, sultry as sirens calling from the darkness beyond the bridge.
I think I’m gonna be sick again.
Grasp the edge and lean.
L E A N.
Am I leaning out or in or
Close my eyes. Fuck don’t let go
what—was I? And now?
What is this place?
Remember. I need to—
Listen. I can’t hear but I can feel it. The flow. Soft lacustrine roar, dim but powerful. Don’t let go. Hold tighter. It can have you if it wants you. You (ME, I) have to fight. Remember: “I.” Remember.
The essence of nature is flow.
Impossibility is the birth-place of life, of existence, of I. It is Mother. It is the source. Energy and null. Diffraction and atrophy. I see the shape of all things
How did I get here? Open my eyes, watch the rolling spinning whale screaming through eternal
A R E Y O U T I M E
nothing—what? what’s that?
Yes. I am Time, I tell the far-off voice. Of course. I believe we
No. That’s not what it said.
It—they—said. A voice. Said.
Turn. No, wait. Don’t. Just hold on. Static plays nasty tricks. Don’t look. It will go away. Whatever it is. Just stare into the fog. But with your eyes closed. There, that’s better. Breathe
and relax. Goddamnit.
The voice, louder now. Reaching. Loud enough for me to feel the vibrations when they speak. A noise just beyond my ken. Batted back by sucking, sibilant static. The river isn’t even loud anymore. I just feel it more than I hear it. My jaws ache. I’m grinding my teeth. My skull is vibrating with the continuous roar of the static, it’s doing something to meeee
The bridge undulates, sharing soft vibrations with my feet. I need to move. If I don’t move now, I’ll never get my sea legs.
Gentle, easy does it. There, that’s it.
My toes kindly transport the static waves up, beyond the shins, through the knees, thighs, abdomen. It ends in my jaw. Just hold tight. You’re hearing things. You need to get a grip before
“…TOOTH UHH SSS…”
I can’t make it out. I look around. Nothing.
Spin on my heels. The river groans in my chest. Turning slowly, trying not to vomit again.
It sounded like it came from
t h e r e